In the thick of it.

We are in the thick of it. We are in trudging through so much at once. We are waking up every day asking God to give us guidance to make the right decisions and laying down at night hoping we did. We are so often seeing glimmers of hope, connection, and trust built and at the same time scratching our heads and wondering if our small acts matter (though we know deep down they do!). We are doing this thing called foster care, we feel torn and stretched by it and worn down by it. We feel so many emotions and it has only been 3 months. For our boys, it's been over three Y E A R S. In my moments of doubt and frustration I remember that they have been dealing with all this and more without a stable home or adult to lean on, all while trying to be a kid and grow up and discover who they are.

But even in my short engagement with the system so far, I have experienced more emotional turbulence, anxiety, and even depression than I ever have before. In my short stint, I can see the impact of …

I told you so.

I told you so.
Honestly, my biggest fear is receiving this sentiment from people once our kids get here and it's freaking hard for us. Throughout our process, I've heard/seen it all: the horror stories, concerned looks, reminders of baggage, reminders that babies are easier, reminders kids are expensive, reminders that I won't be their only mom and they may have struggles and I'm too young to be their mom and I'm not the same race and it will strain my marriage and that I can't save them.
(Run on sentence on purpose becaus that's how all these reminders feel - endless and just on and on they go.)

I'm worried that when I'm asked, "how are you?"and I give an honest answer about the pain and hurt and sorrow that comes when you're loving children you didn't raise, that people will look and feel and  respond with an "I told you so." They may not say it out loud, but I know the exact look that will be on their faces. They'l…

Back at it.

The below two entries are from almost two months ago, but I didn't want them to go to waste, so here they are!

Connected today with a sweet friend from Mississippi. I am humbled by the people the Lord ordains to cross my path and the beauty each one brings to my life. I admire her willing sacrifice for her children and her humility to confess how difficult it can be to lay down our lives for another.

Today I am praying that the Lord helps me to continue to be a faithful witness. I am also here to be honest that sharing your faith and being questioned about it is scary! I was asked to defend my stance on sexuality today, my stance on why sex is sacred for marriage. Its uncomfortable. I don't know why the person is asking or what the Lord will bring about because of my answer. Still, I choose to trust that He just may be up to something and I am not entitled to know what that is. The nerves and butterflies in my stomach remind me of my constant need for the Spir…

My kids are worth loving: Adopting older kids FAQ''s and other helpful tips when talking to adoptive parents

It's a very strange feeling when you feel you have to prove to the world why you want your kids. I know what you're thinking, You don't have to explain yourself! You don't have to prove anything! And, you would be right. I don't owe it to anyone. If I'm honest though, I know most of the questions that come are based in ignorance and a lack of exposure to the need/availability/crisis that is adoption and foster care. So, I don't answer because I feel pressured, but because I genuinely want people to be educated. I want them to know that despite the challenge, time, sacrifice, and "risk," my children deserve all of that and more spent on them. They deserve to have a home where they are accepted and seen, no matter their age or their "troubled" backgrounds (much of which they had no control of). 

Anyway, I could go on about that all day, but I won't (you're welcome). 

Below I will highlight the most frequently asked questions about ou…

The week of 25 (3/13/17)

I took two weeks off. The task proved harder than I anticipated and I got tired, what can I say? Plus I felt pretty uninspired for a couple of reasons.

 Nothing has moved on our adoption in the past month. We are waiting on a date for our inspection and home visit. After that, we will be approved. Up until now, there has always been a date and a next step that was concrete. We have been waiting for a month and the next step still isn't even scheduled. I just finished reading Esther & was so encouraged by Mordecai's stubborn faith in the Lord. He wasn't swayed even by the declaration of the king. He knew God would save. And yet, here I am, wondering how on earth there could be a point to this waiting. Are our children just sitting there, time ticking as they spend more weeks away from their forever home? I know my faith is small and shallow and I pray for it to deepen. I'm just being honest- this is how I feel. A stand still.It's mid-point in the semester.…

Rich in Faithful Love (2/20/17)

Today a client sat in front of me and grieved by over the fact that he has never known unconditional love. He didn't use those words, but he expressed sadness over people always leaving when he messes up or isn't perfect. He believes he will never be good enough.

This is a child who comes from a family so broken, that I don't know how he is as articulate, smart, and seemingly put together as he is. This is a child who's basic needs were not met.

Oh Lord, God of second chances, be near to your treasured child today. Stir in the hearts of people who love you to take a chance on loving someone worthy of love. Help me to show him the kind of unconditional love and acceptance You offer.

"You, Lord, are kind and ready to forgive, rich in faithful love to all who call on you." // Psalms 86:5

Love discipling my girls and watching them begin to know God's word. Also love when I stumble upon gems of verses like this one that are so simple yet so …

Clarity (2/13/17)

Gaining more clarity about the direction of adoption, and honestly I don't like the answer. I feel silly. I feel like I am mourning a loss of children I was never even remotely close to actually having, but in my mind, I was. I tend to make myself responsible for others. I sometimes believe that if it's harder or more challenging, then that's probably God's will. And I tend to assume that choosing a less challenging option is cowardice. I know these are lies from the enemy that truly put the emphasis of situations on me, and not on God. I have been through enough to know that the Lord will make obvious and supply courage for tough things. AND I also don't have to walk into the toughest things in His name. Adoption is going to be hard. It is not wrong for us to adopt children, even if we see that a certain situation may not be the best fit for our family. This is me giving myself permission, thanks for listening.

I look forward to when I reflect on these hea…