Behind and ahead

2 0 1 9 // 2 0 2 0

Some years make us, some years break us. I'd say this past one did both for me. I'd actually venture to say this past year was the hardest, most stretching of my life. We were in year two of parenting, year two at my job, Brett had a feel of law school, same house, same church, same friends, same ministries. What a decade we have experienced together, and yet this year's daily grind has worn us more than any other.

A walk down memory lane....

2010- Graduated high school, started college, met Brett and started dating

2011- No major shifts- college, dating, lots of good times

2012- Got engaged, Brett graduated college, got married, moved to Mississippi, Brett started teaching high school

2013- Graduated college, both worked full-time, discovered our hearts for youth ministry

2014- Brett started graduate school online with a heart to pastor, moved to South Carolina, I started graduate school, Brett continued teaching and was hired as a youth/children's pastor, I worked at the front desk of a local school

2015- Bought our first home, both in school, full-time ministry, began our adoption process

2016- First doggie, left my job, began counseling internships

2017- Second doggie, graduated with my Master's degree, started working full-time as a therapist, became foster parents to our boys

2018- Brett graduates with his Master's and starts law school, I started a podcast with my friend, we finalized adoption of the boys

2019- Brett begins law school internships, we began to foster emergency placements, had our first long-term foster placement and experienced our first disruption when he left

2020 - Transitioned our oldest to a residential placement for treatment, going from 3 kids at home full-time to 1 within a week

This year, I survived. I've seen the posts about being proud of that fact alone, and truth is, I am proud. I have to be. There were days I did not think I could walk through the next one. Days that all I could do was focus on the next task at hand. I have felt that much of life this year was muted and I was distracted. I was weighed down from worry about my children, and I allowed this to consume me. I completely wore myself out striving to find the perfect combination that would result in my children being okay. Spoiler: nothing worked. Because my efforts are not the answer.

I have a relentless throbbing that tells me I am never doing enough. Sometimes I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel responsible to manage and lessen the pain I see in the world around me and in people I love. I know I have grown in this area. I have healed from so much of the pain of my past. I learned about boundaries. But having children rocked me all over again. Having children elevated this temptation to carry what is not mine. I must admit, I often failed the test.

So, what am I doing different in 2020?

I want to accept that sometimes loving people is letting them go; sometimes the hardest thing is the right thing. I want to allow myself to grieve the expectations I had for how our story would all play out. I want to believe that I can honor God and be content in my role, even if I'm not doing "it all." I want to live life in full color again. I want to love my tribe well, and meet them where they are. I want to be willing to stand by people as God teaches them, even in ways that may be painful for me to watch. Most importantly, I want to truly believe that God loves my people more than I do, and He is relentless. I can trust Him and have peace with the part I play. I am where He has me. It's enough.

That's all for now, but hopefully not for long. Another goal is to start writing again! How I've missed it!