A new standard

Old habits die hard. I’m in a different season of my life right now. I feel settled. I feel content relationally, professionally, and spiritually. I have good boundaries with others. I don’t feel exhausted and burdened. So why… why do I at times still feel a tinge of jealousy/self comparison/insecurity when I see others achieve? How can I possibly feel genuinely happy and proud for these people and yet feel all of that other stuff spark inside me at the same time?

I feel embarrassed to even acknowledge it, immature even. Like, self, “Shouldn’t we be past this?” Here’s the truth-our brains are faster to move on than our emotions. We can rationally know one thing and simultaneously feel another. For so long, I just survived and kept pushing through hard seasons by being “good enough.” For me, this meant helping people, being the “best,” earning people’s admiration or respect, being acknowledged, winning awards, etc. When I felt out of control, knowing I could accomplish those things and win people’s approval gave me a false sense of security. I’m past that now. I’ve grieved and I have acknowledged and I truly believe I have healed beyond needing those coping tools anymore. But the remnant exists, the emotional scar if you will, the autopilot of my habits. I am tempted to hide this old habit for fear of being seen as fake or shallow, yet I am emboldened by Christ to share it because I believe someone else is going to be encouraged by my weaknesses.

 I am not a failure, and neither are you, for still struggling. You are a warrior for noticing these things inside of you and yet CHOOSING to no longer bow to them and serve them. Let the remnant of your past habits humble you and ground you. Let them root you again in your need for a Savior and His cross, for without Him we stay stuck in our selfishness and pity attempts to validate ourselves by stepping on or surpassing others. Let the awareness of these past habits, and even your distaste for them, remind you of how far you have come. These reactions no longer feel natural to you- when there was a time you didn’t notice them at all because they were silently ruling you. When we name our feelings, they don’t have to control us. When we see our old habits wanting to rear their heads and we call them out, we are winning! 

As I reflect on this experience, I am drawn to contemplate how many choices I have made from this place of perceived pressure and discontentment. I sense there were many times I did things “just because” and not in response to the call of God or even my own genuine desire to do it. I am making a commitment now to pause before decisions and consider my motivation. I am willing to do ANYTHING God asks of me, but I am also willing to accept that He is not asking me to do EVERYTHING. If I try to do it all, I am very likely stepping on someone else’s toes by stealing their opportunity to shine. My pride has told me I am needed in every gap- I have to step in. Humility has taught me I am inadequate to fix. I am not enough to fill in all the dark places. And sometimes I’m not being asked to do so. I know the Lord will ask me to do many more uncomfortable things. I am praying for the faith and wisdom to listen and obey. I am also thanking Him for His command to rest, for His blessings of joy, for the opportunity to rejoice in His gifts to me. I am set free from meeting some made up standard of what success looks like. I want to measure my life by this one thing: am I looking more like Jesus as I grow closer to Him with each passing day, week, year? This is my bar. Help me, Lord, to remember this when doubt and insecurity creep in. Root me in who you have created me to be. Make me sensitive to Your voice so that I am ready to act as you ask. And continue to grow me in releasing all that is not for me and basking in contentment and peace that can come only from You.