I went to bed smiling.

I can’t help but share it. 

I struggle with anxiety. I probably always have, but nothing has brought it out more than being a parent. I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough or I’m playing catch-up, especially because I didn’t have the opportunity of raising my children from babyhood. I often feel an underlying restlessness to do more. I’ve always struggled with performance, people pleasing, and unrealistic expectations. I am proud to say I have come SO FAR! But with new seasons, the ugliness of our struggles tend to rear their heads.

Another thing you should know about me, I’m a cry-er. I used to have a very organized crying schedule. This also changed since becoming a parent. I cry a whole lot less, not because there is less to cry about (there’s probably more), but because I just honestly don’t always have the time, space, or energy do it (one of many reasons I regularly see a therapist). Anyway, tonight I gave myself space and I cried. 

I cried for myself, for the fact that I do struggle to accept myself and allow myself to be content with what I can give. I cry for my boys, for the hurt that they have experienced, and also because I can see how far they have come. I cry for my foster son, who has cried with me almost every night since he has been with us- for the burdens he carries with the weight of the world on his shoulders. I cry for the young men I work with, many fighting to prove their worth through fighting and some kind of “status.” Honestly sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by the brokenness. Sometimes I just feel that I can’t possibly do enough to quench the hurt they feel and the hurt I feel in response. 

As parents, it’s a struggle of how much do we share with our kids about our own emotions? We are taught to “be strong” for them. I’ve been “being strong” my whole life. Anthony walked in tonight while I was crying. I told him that I worry and need God’s help and that sometimes my heart just hurts because those I love hurt and I want to help them. He came and hugged me and instructed Brett to give me  an impossible amount of hugs and kisses to “make her feel better.”

Most nights, I spend time “tucking in” our boys. I have my rounds. I got vulnerable with each of them about how I was feeling. I finally got to my bed feeling so overwhelmed and wrapped in love. I mean, it was an all out love-fest. The coolest thing about being a parent so far is watching a seed you planted in your child grow up to benefit and bless you. My children told me, “It’s okay to be sensitive, mommy. I love that about you.” And “You always take care of everyone, you need to take care of yourself.” And even our newest addition, who has known me for five days, expressed how safe and loved he already feels in our home. 

I went to my bed smiling. There is so much to “accomplish” and so many things I want my children to become. But tonight, watching them love me, I am proud. They are kind. They are thoughtful. Nothing is wasted. I am reminded of why I do what I do. And I am reminded that I am unable to do it all. But I can do some things. Some very important things. Some things that may shape and alter a destiny. I’m going to try for that, because I believe the Lord has asked me to. Simple as that. I w

I shared this with our foster son, and I’ll share it with you. I am truly overwhelmed by the love of God. This love has set me free! And I want nothing more than to be a part of other people experiencing the gift of His love. I’m honored to be a part of it right now. Anxieties Nd imperfections and gray hairs included.