Posts

Showing posts from 2018

Powerless

“Let your faith be stretched. Go out on a limb where God has to come through. Realize how powerless you are apart from God.”

Words from our pastor this Sunday. Apparently I was nodding and he called my husband and I out- youtwo are examples of this life and it isinspiring.

I felt so exposed! Can he read my mind?
My immediate thought after his statement was, “I feel powerless all the time. I don’t have to muster it up. I daily beg God to show up and intervene and I feel so in-over-my-head 90 percent of the time.”
As I sat in church, I was literally questioning my parenting decisions wondering if we are missing the mark. I don’t know what I’m doing, God!

People look at me and they commend me for what I’m doing. They tell us what we are doing is amazing. And I agree, it is! But I want to be real honest and real clear- if it looks like we have it together, we don’t. I fall into my bed at night and then I wonder how other moms take cute pictures or accomplish anything other than feeding an…

Bits of the journey...

Image
 Written pre-placement.... Whiplash---
This is the word that comes to mind as I think of our interaction with the foster care system in the past year. Imagine a young girl being swung to and fro by her pony tail (like that scene from Matilda where the blonde is thrown about by her pigtails)— that’s how this feels. From day one, the day I inquired about the boys I am certain are to be my sons, I began to feel that I must check and double check everything reported to me. "I don’t have any information about those boys," she said. Meanwhile, their adoption worker sat two offices down. It would be two months later when I sat down with their adoption worker and her supervisor and told them of the already long journey I had been on in my own heart. I’d been loving these boys for about six months already, with the dream and the seed in my heart that they might be it. My best friend’s first foster placement was the boys’ little sister. For months I’d wrestled with God about …

In the thick of it.

We are in the thick of it. We are in trudging through so much at once. We are waking up every day asking God to give us guidance to make the right decisions and laying down at night hoping we did. We are so often seeing glimmers of hope, connection, and trust built and at the same time scratching our heads and wondering if our small acts matter (though we know deep down they do!). We are doing this thing called foster care, we feel torn and stretched by it and worn down by it. We feel so many emotions and it has only been 3 months. For our boys, it's been over three Y E A R S. In my moments of doubt and frustration I remember that they have been dealing with all this and more without a stable home or adult to lean on, all while trying to be a kid and grow up and discover who they are.

But even in my short engagement with the system so far, I have experienced more emotional turbulence, anxiety, and even depression than I ever have before. In my short stint, I can see the impact of …