In the thick of it.

We are in the thick of it. We are in trudging through so much at once. We are waking up every day asking God to give us guidance to make the right decisions and laying down at night hoping we did. We are so often seeing glimmers of hope, connection, and trust built and at the same time scratching our heads and wondering if our small acts matter (though we know deep down they do!). We are doing this thing called foster care, we feel torn and stretched by it and worn down by it. We feel so many emotions and it has only been 3 months. For our boys, it's been over three Y E A R S. In my moments of doubt and frustration I remember that they have been dealing with all this and more without a stable home or adult to lean on, all while trying to be a kid and grow up and discover who they are.

But even in my short engagement with the system so far, I have experienced more emotional turbulence, anxiety, and even depression than I ever have before. In my short stint, I can see the impact of being unsure what each day holds and bracing myself for a battle. It is exhausting. In reflecting on my own experience, it has truly given me empathy for theirs. I would consider myself very stable. My brain is mostly fully developed. I was never abused. I never witnessed violence in my home. I was never kept from my family and ultimately disconnected from them completely. And still, I have felt overwhelmed and distraught and anxious in the past three months.

Maybe the struggles my boys face aren't all that hard to understand after all.

Several things that have been my encouragement:

• People NOT panicking. We have had some rough, scary moments. I have had people in my corner who did not feed off of my panic and struggle and really normalized the situation. "That's to be expected," "Keep doing what you are doing. Be consistent," "Chaos is what they know, and now they they feel safe to work some of it out." My community has lovingly reminded me that this is what I signed up for. They have reminded me to only carry the burden of my responses, not my kids' responses and to be willing to follow through.
• The fact that I did NOT manufacture this situation. From start to present, the Lord has done what only He could do through it all. He put a spark in my heart when I met my boys. He planted them in my dreams while they were in various other homes. He placed their sister with my best friend. He closed doors that made us question moving forward and opened others that were blocking the way. In a scrambled search for a therapist, the only appointment I can find is with the same therapist his sister sees (& I didn't realize that until after I booked). The Lord keeps reminding me He is the one doing the work. I am a vessel. It's his work. Not my work. And God never fails and never comes up short. 
• The Lord is ahead of me. He is already preparing the ground for every upcoming battle. He is setting the stage and preparing a table. We received a completely unexpected gift in the mail from a friend from school who felt the Lord leading her to bless us. Her note encouraged us God wanted us to know He sees every need and will make a way to fill it. God went above and beyond, before I even knew we needed something, to let us know He is for us. 
• The progress! It's easy to focus on all the things that still need to change, and miss what's happened already. Our youngest doesn't wake up in the middle of the night afraid any more. The boys tell us they love us. They do their chores (mostly) without complaining. They want to hang out with us pretty much all the time. They both play basketball and love it. They are adjusting, every day, a little more. They open up about their past and acknowledge we are different. They talk about the future with us. And much, much, more. 

This life is hard. I am tired most of the time. But I am hopeful. I am holding on to hope. I look forward to how God will continue to write our stories.