Rich in Faithful Love (2/20/17)

Today a client sat in front of me and grieved by over the fact that he has never known unconditional love. He didn't use those words, but he expressed sadness over people always leaving when he messes up or isn't perfect. He believes he will never be good enough.

This is a child who comes from a family so broken, that I don't know how he is as articulate, smart, and seemingly put together as he is. This is a child who's basic needs were not met.

Oh Lord, God of second chances, be near to your treasured child today. Stir in the hearts of people who love you to take a chance on loving someone worthy of love. Help me to show him the kind of unconditional love and acceptance You offer.

"You, Lord, are kind and ready to forgive, rich in faithful love to all who call on you." // Psalms 86:5

Love discipling my girls and watching them begin to know God's word. Also love when I stumble upon gems of verses like this one that are so simple yet so deep.

Today, I'm so, so aware of the truth that "No man is an island." What we do affects other people deeply. You don't exist in your own hemisphere. Your life, your choices, your acts of selflessness and selfishness impact the world around you. I'm reminded of this because boys who are abused by people they trust turn arround and become the abusers, often at ages before most of us even understood what sex was. I'm reminded because some kids would rather stay in a treatment center than go to a home where they don't feel safe, even though the state continues to return them there. I'm reminded how valuable and what a precious gift it is to be a parent (or to play any role in the life of a child).

Today, I have to choose to see the possibility. I believe the Lord can stir hearts just by my question about what they believe spiritually. I have to believe that God continues to take our messes and make beautiful things-- but we have to be willing to be a part of it. And becoming beautiful hurts. It's stretching. It requires sacrifice. But to this we were called.  Not to run away when it gets hard, but got let God tidy up our messy places so we can return to them stronger and able to engage in the battle without crumbling under the weight.

Today, I feel some insecurities. Yes, I have my share of those too. Sometimes I wish I was meeker or quieter or simply cared less deeply about things. But most of the time, I wouldn't change a thing.

One of the hardest things about the adoption process has been people's questions. I would ask questions too. It's natural! It's just so, so, hard to not have any answers. In some ways, I feel like I know less about what's going to happen than I did at the beginning. I thought I knew what I wanted and that I'd have more time to prepare for my children. Not so. We met with DSS adoption department today, and though I may be a momma in literally a matter of months (the summer hopefully), I will know very little about who will be our children until quickly before they come into our home. In the meeting, we discussed about five different potential outcomes at this point. They brought up several children they could see us parenting. & yet, there is nothing I can do so that I can know faster. Please pray for our hearts as we wait and do what seems impossible (choosing who to be in our family out of so many who need homes). So, what we know is that we are aiming for summer, that we are open to siblings, and that we are not pursuing infants. That's about all, folks. When I know more, believe I will be shouting it from the rooftops!

Cried again too. Admittedly, not knowing is eating me up. I want to plan. I want to imagine and tell myself I'm "prepared." The past few weeks have been the hardest for me- knowing we are so close yet I'm just as clueless. The Lord is challenging me and exposing the part of me that still yearns for control and my own timing. I am so uncomfortable in a lack of certainty or even direction. And I want to demand of Him to give me that clarity now. He does not owe me such a service. And I know in my heart of hearts he already knows! I have no doubt it will work out. I cannot mess up his olan- he's bigger than my back and forth-ness. I know all of that, but my human heart still squirms in the waiting. The time passes slowly. One day I feel patient as can be and the next I'm just itching to figure it all out. This is me being honest. I'm no saint in this process. I'm all over the place and I desperately need Jesus to ground me.

I was convicted this morning by a song we have sung many times at youth group and I hear on the radio often. But today the words struck me and that still small voice gently nudged and asked, "arr you prepared to apply these words to your children?" Yes, Lord, here I am.
When you don't move the mountains
I'm needing you to move (get me info!!)
When you don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through (make it fast, give me the timeline)
When you don't give the answers
As I cry out to you (........)
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You.
The implications are obvious ;)


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