Clarity (2/13/17)

Gaining more clarity about the direction of adoption, and honestly I don't like the answer. I feel silly. I feel like I am mourning a loss of children I was never even remotely close to actually having, but in my mind, I was. I tend to make myself responsible for others. I sometimes believe that if it's harder or more challenging, then that's probably God's will. And I tend to assume that choosing a less challenging option is cowardice. I know these are lies from the enemy that truly put the emphasis of situations on me, and not on God. I have been through enough to know that the Lord will make obvious and supply courage for tough things. AND I also don't have to walk into the toughest things in His name. Adoption is going to be hard. It is not wrong for us to adopt children, even if we see that a certain situation may not be the best fit for our family. This is me giving myself permission, thanks for listening.

I look forward to when I reflect on these heartbroken posts after having our children in our home. I know that day will be here soon. I know these struggles are shaping me into the mother they need me to be. Trusting in that truth!

Glimmers of positivity: when a kid who barely shows emotion and seems defensive when you ask him anything ASKS for a personal copy of the feelings words list! *sheds tear* small successes folks, small successes !

Let's just take a moment to appreciate God's faithfulness. Today, he displayed it through the consistency of my friends. One of the coolest things ever is seeing how God works in the lives of your friends over the years yet keeps you connected through Him. Super rad, just saying.

My best friend is having a baby boy. And I love her and she inspires me and I can't wait to watch her be a momma to this sweet little thing. All the babies make me feel mushy inside and I just can't wait to bring my kids home wheeeee!

"It's hard enough to face the suffering that has been inflicted by others, but deep down many traumatized people are even more haunted by the shame they feel about what they themselves did or did not do under the circumstances. They despise themselves for how terrified, dependent, excited, or enraged they felt."
-Bessel Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score 

Two chapters into this book, and it seems to strike me at my deepest passions. Trauma affects our minds, our bodies, our worlds. I wan to spend my life helping people heal not just from the terror they have experienced from others, but the battle that wages within them. 


Really appreciated both sermons I heard today. Morning service, from Matthew 4, emphasizing that the path out of temptation is a reliance and a feasting on God's Word. I can be comfortable in my walk since i have known Jesus since I was 14. Sometimes I don't hold on to God's Word as my life source and I don't set about to memorize it like I should. 

Sunday evening, Brett preached out of John 6, specifically on Jesus' declaration of "I AM the bread of life."  
32 Jesus then said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, it was not Moses who gave you the bread from heaven, but my Father gives you the true bread from heaven. 33 For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.” 34 They said to him, “Sir, give us this bread always.”35 Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.
My girls and I really discussed how often we look to other people and things for our needs, yet we neglect that the Lord is literally standing before us with open arms holding out the very BEST of our deepest desires. I see You, alive in them, Lord. Come more alive every day and use them to impact this broken world.


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