What am I doing? Oh yeah! That's right- I'm doing me.
Sorry for the dumb title.
I have been feeling so down on myself for the past couple of days.
Ashley got hurt by my sarcastic comments, and I cried. She should be hurt by them. The words of my mouth so often do not portray the attitude of my heart. Or- maybe they do. Maybe I am just utterly impatient, controlling, and prideful. I think it is a little of both. But it eats me up inside. The last thing I want to do is make my best friend feel like crap about herself. It's definitely not something I aspire for. I notice that I am so quick to pull a joke or question someone's statements. I am really demeaning a lot of the time. I don't think I really know how to just BE, or how to just love. It is the crappiest feeling in the world. And now that I am aware of it, I notice even more with every comment that I make how bad it really is. And I make comments about stuff that's totally unnecessary and isn't even that funny. Lord, how unwise I am. Like the Switchfoot song, "Hallelujah, I'M A WRETCHED MAN". Please, Lord will You fill me with Your gentle and quiet spirit. I know you made me outgoing and loud, but you did not create me to destroy. No, you created me to be a tender breeze, a beautiful fragrance, a pleasure. Please help me become more like You in the way I relate to others. Rid me of my desire that seems to exist to look superior or to have the last word.
I also don't really like how controlling I am. It's truly like I can't help it. I don't know how to even stop it. Something happens, and there I am trying to figure it all out. I am so complicated. I physically can feel myself getting upset about whatever that certain thing is- and its utterly dumb. You did not create me to be the Savior of the world. I know this with my head, but in my heart there is a place that yearns to be accepted by my good works, that longs to be seen as powerful and yearns to know my good intentions are powerful, a place in me that refuses to give You the control. And I am truly sorry. I am so small. And I never want to make anyone feel less than me, or afraid of me. I want to be a place of trust and companionship, not of fear. Help me to stop trying to take Your place.
I don't know, I have just felt fake today and yesterday for some reason. Maybe I am paranoid of my flaws, and I think I just want so bad for them to be fixed, but I don't want, or don't choose to sit at the throne of the fix-er- YOU. I talk all day about how I want Your heart, and then my actions display no such thing. I am so unworthy of Your love. I can't even handle it.
On a positive note, thank You for everything. Thank You for being a God who reaches out of heaven and wants to communicate to me. You don't have to. You choose to, because for some reason that my human wimpy sized brain will never understand, You love me. Love is your character. Bless the Lord.