Back at it.

The below two entries are from almost two months ago, but I didn't want them to go to waste, so here they are!

Connected today with a sweet friend from Mississippi. I am humbled by the people the Lord ordains to cross my path and the beauty each one brings to my life. I admire her willing sacrifice for her children and her humility to confess how difficult it can be to lay down our lives for another.

Today I am praying that the Lord helps me to continue to be a faithful witness. I am also here to be honest that sharing your faith and being questioned about it is scary! I was asked to defend my stance on sexuality today, my stance on why sex is sacred for marriage. Its uncomfortable. I don't know why the person is asking or what the Lord will bring about because of my answer. Still, I choose to trust that He just may be up to something and I am not entitled to know what that is. The nerves and butterflies in my stomach remind me of my constant need for the Spirit of the living God to work through me and fill my mouth with His words. I am inadequate to do the work of softening hearts, opening eyes, satisfying souls. That work is His alone.
Just know you're not alone in being intimidated by such a calling. I'm with you. Let's not shrink back, though. Let's approach boldly His throne and realize the stones will cry out if we don't. (Hebrews 4:16; Luke 19:40).

Okay, now back to now.

Whirlwind life. So many joyous and exciting things as part of that whirlwind. I graduate next weekend. I have no homework ever again (SO WEIRD!!). I have been hired at my last internship, working with boys who have sexually harmed or have conduct issues. I have such a heart for them and am delighted that i have been given such a chance. We are on the last leg of our adoption approval- just one more home study the first week of June and then the real fun begins. I need to remember these times when the Lord arranged all things to fall into place for what he created me to do.
But, in this whirlwind life, I have been more deeply reminded of my tendency to define myself by performance or production. I have a low-level of anxiety when my day is not planned out or full. I then become amped up about all the things I could get done and often squish as many as I can into the day. And I want things I can check off or say, "Hey, I did that today!" It's been very strange to really admit and see because mentally I know that's silly and meaningless. This internal restlessness just reminds me of how much I need God. Because without him, y'all. I know I would be a mess. Whew, yes I know it.
So join me in asking the Lord that he would continue to show me what it means to be present. Things need to be done, but the most important thing is tending to my soul and yielding to my Papa. And I admit I often push that aside for daily tasks. I'd like to be more of a soft breeze than a whirlwind.

Also, here's cute pictures from Charleston because we just celebrated being married for FIVE years. Another fact that has me overflowing in gratitude.

Today was the last day for a long long time that I stay in bed on a weekday with not much to do, watch Netflix, answer emails, etc. Life is getting real. Full time job and (God willing) children coming home soon, and things will look very different. There's a sadness there for sure, a loss of a type of life I have had. But also excitement because I truly believe the best is yet to come.

An example of that is that tonight I attended my best friend's foster daughter's pre-k graduation. When I tell you there are few things I enjoy more. I mean that. I have such delight to be at such an event and to watch her little life and personality unfold. What an honor to be a very small part of any of it. I feel like I sound so so cheesy, but I truly come alive there. Looking forward to the lives the
Lord will entrust to Brett and I as parents but so so blessed by many of the children and teens I get to support and brag on and embarrass. Life is sweet.

OOPS. It's a week and a half later, I'm sorry y'all. Last week was graduation week and then I got sick and I'm just now feeling back at 100 percent.

The more people I meet. I am convinced more deeply of two things. Firstly, I love them. I enjoy the mystery of each person. I love discovering that my shallow surface level judgments are wrong  and that a person is much more than they seemed. Second, people need Jesus. They need unconditional love. They need guidance. The more people I meet the more ways I see that people are lost and searching. I also see my own inclination to sin (today I hadn't to lift up prayers to Jesus because a fellow human was working my nerves hard coreeeeeee).

Anywho, in orientation we learned how to nonviolently defend against attack and restrain a dangerous person. I now feel like a boss.


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