The week of 25 (3/13/17)

Monday.
I took two weeks off. The task proved harder than I anticipated and I got tired, what can I say? Plus I felt pretty uninspired for a couple of reasons.


  1.  Nothing has moved on our adoption in the past month. We are waiting on a date for our inspection and home visit. After that, we will be approved. Up until now, there has always been a date and a next step that was concrete. We have been waiting for a month and the next step still isn't even scheduled. I just finished reading Esther & was so encouraged by Mordecai's stubborn faith in the Lord. He wasn't swayed even by the declaration of the king. He knew God would save. And yet, here I am, wondering how on earth there could be a point to this waiting. Are our children just sitting there, time ticking as they spend more weeks away from their forever home? I know my faith is small and shallow and I pray for it to deepen. I'm just being honest- this is how I feel. A stand still.
  2. It's mid-point in the semester. Routine is in full swing. The novelty is faded and I literally have a count down on my phone until the semester ends.
  3. Relatedly, parts of my routine stuck better than others. My morning workout/Jesus time has not been as consistent as I would have liked. I am struggling with motivation and I'm being convicted yet again about how terrible I am at resting. It's actually pitiful. I'm bad at napping, and I think I function with a low level of anxiety all the time when in school. It's like I feel every assignment hanging over my head and until it's all done I feel guilt to do other things. I cleaned all day today but I literally had a ten minute conversation with myself, telling myself it was okay to do that. I don't have anything due for 3 weeks. It's weird because it's really not about being perfect anymore like it used to be. I think it's really just subconscious and habitual. This is worse honestly because now I have to be even more intentional about watching for this restlessness.

All this said, please pray for me and us. Pray for endurance and joy in the present. Pray for me to learn when to work and when to relax. Pray my mind will rest, too. And pray for our children. Pray that the Lord will begin to show himself to them if he has not already and plant a seed in their hearts that they are wanted and loved and chosen.

I was talking with a friend about the different reactions to adoption. Some children wrestle with feeling they were only adopted because their parents were unable to conceive naturally. I am praying the church rises up and the new norm for adopting becomes simply that we choose to love the orphan,. That we choose to love someone, maybe even older kids who may have baggage (could we be called to such a thing?!?). I am in no way minimizing the heartbreak of infertility or the legitimacy of choosing adoption to grow one's family, it is just sad that it is assumed that can be the only reason. If my children ever read this, please know: you really have grown in our hearts. We wanted you because we know how deserving you are of love and we honestly feel our lives are incomplete without you. We don't need you because something is lacking, but we want you to make what we already have even greater. You belong with us and you were not a mistake. The Lord always knew you would be ours and we will love you forever and for always. I pray for you everyday. I think of who you will become and how you will impact the world for good. I am already so excited just to know you, let alone be your mom. Never doubt that.

(Sorry for the sap. It wasn't planned; it just happened).

Tuesday.
I haven't fully released it. I want to control. Today, I'm laying it down. I don't want them a day sooner than the Lord arranges or wills. Have your way, Papa.

Also today one of my boys told me that he was brave enough to be vulnerable with his peers. He apologized genuinely and told each of them he wanted closeness and real relationship and to be worthy of their trust. This may seem small, but this is a kid who grew up equating relationship to sex, even in his family. Today, he made me proud. I pray for him that this hunger for authentic connection will ultimately lead him to the feet of Jesus.

Wednesday.
I did a Facebook post about what I was known for in high school. I am so humbled by the response. When  I look back to high school, I see so much immaturity. I was so attention seeking and performance based. I was looking for everyone's approval. And yet, people saw Jesus in me and felt loved and cared for. He is so gracious. My prayer as I reflect is that He would be the constant force in my life- no matter what changes he has been the source of good. I often hear people criticize social media, but I pray that through it, people from high school may see His faithfulness through my life and decide that they too what to follow Christ. I was a mess in high school and I'm a mess now, but I am joy-filled, secure, purposed, adored, and hopeful. Nothing is wasted.

Thursday.
I'm impatient because of my own selfish desires. If I say I'm doing it (adoption, my career, loving others, etc.) why would I be hurried or undone by the timing? If it's for him, why do I rush Him? Let me not be deceived. My worry is not for the things of God, it is rooted in my doubt of Him. Help my unbelief, Lord. I don't want anything a moment sooner than you have ordained. Have Your way.

Friday.
Talked with Dad today about living active vs. passive. Too often we let life happen to us. We wait for things to fall in our lap or fall into place. I'm not saying don't be patient. I am saying, ask the hard questions. Use what God has given you. Look for gaps in the world that maybe you could fill. Imagine how you might be used and seek out those opportunities. Ask other people for help and their opinions. Don't be afraid they will say no, and then not act. The Lord know show to make his NO! Very loud should we steer down a very wrong path. I think He also wants us to live awake and make use of our time on this side of eternity. Stop waiting around. You have everything you need to have your most abundant life in Jesus. (See 1 Thessalonians 5:6, John 10:10, Ephesians 1)

Saturday.
Twenty five.
What do I want for 25? I hope you are the year I become a momma. I hope you bring me closer to my Father. I hope I rest more, listen more, am still more. I hope I do more things I love, not more of things I think I'm supposed to do. I hope I don't rush through you,25. I'm happy to be alive and so beyond blessed to say I am well loved. If I have anything in life, it is that I am loved by so many spectacular people and I have loved them in return. This is enough for me.

goal for 25 is to learn better how to rest. I am honestly so so bad at it. I always want to be "productive" and I repent of this! Asking the Lord to help me learn this valuable lesson. 



(picture from my book swap birthday party surrounded by my favorite people. the Lord has blessed me with such treasured community, and many of them love books as much as I do! what a gift!)


Sunday.

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.” Thomas said to him, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?” Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.” -John 14

Spoke on this passage at youth group tonight. He is the answer to all of my heart's questions. I have to keep a heavenly perspective, knowing where my true home is. It warms my heart to know that place is already prepared for me. So grateful for His love! 

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