Facing my fears.
I am sure it will not surprise anyone to hear that God constantly moves in my life (and in yours too. If you don't think so, you probably aren't paying attention). These past few months have been interesting ones indeed. Growing up, learning to be married, making new friends, living in a tiny town, and being away from my loved ones all provides for quite the challenge.
My life is a lot more peaceful these days than it has probably ever been. This is not to say that I am not busy-because I am. The busyness is just different now. It involves working and lots on reading and discussion board posts. It involves cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping. I really only venture to the store, work, and home. Needless to say, that in itself is a challenge for me at times. I am so used to being very active; interacting with lots of people in a given day and changing my location frequently. God is teaching my heart to be more still and to be content in calmer settings. I struggle with becoming lazy when I don't have physical things to "do," but God is pushing me to become more focused and motivated.
Most of all, though, God is starving me of opportunity to exercise control. Recently, the Lord has revealed to me how much I live in fear. I often steer clear of situations where I feel intimidated or where I am not in control. I am most comfortable in settings of leadership where I feel people respect and admire me. For most of my life, I have considered myself very bold and not afraid of too many things. Gently yet firmly, the Lord has shown me that this is not true. I run from pressure and crack under it. I freeze up in social situations when I feel inferior.
Why am I willing to admit these things? Because if I don't, I will never be free from them. I don't want to live my life like that anymore. And clearly, God doesn't want me to either. He placed me in a situation where I lead a quiet life. I have no place to even exert control over others. Instead, I am often by myself and forced to sit still and not busy away my life! Ha! Too funny! Lord, I see now how much my decisions in life have been based out of my own fear and pride. For this, I am sorry. Thank you for putting me in situations that force me to be vulnerable and humble. I know that you created me to love people and lead them to you, and I know you are teaching me these things so that I can love people more like you and do so with less fear. Thank you for loving me SO MUCH that you show me when I am wrong. Sorry I block you out a lot and ignore your voice. You're so incredibly gracious to me.
"When I am afraid, I put my trust in You." -Psalm 56:3
Patricia,
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing. I have thoroughly enjoyed watching God move through your life, from entering college and continuing to finish it up as a married woman. I am grateful to know you and especially touched by your transparency in this post. May He continue to introduce you to yourself and furthermore, continue to use you to bring glory to Him by way of others that you inevitably touch and inspire with your bright personality and eloquent words.
Whether you're in a small town or the big city, you'll find that you are still touching people. We serve an amazing God!
P.S. I miss you.
Alonte,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Your words really touched me and encouraged me. It is so weird how God uses my own flaws (which I feel like might make people NOT like me) to actually draw people to me, and more importantly, to Him. He has such crazy, but awesome ways.
I miss you too, buddy! You have a heart of gold and a contagious joy. I hope you have been doing well. And I hope you know I always smile when I think of you!