Talk about it.

    Last night I had a very good conversation with Daryl. It was authentically emotional and real for me. Firstly, I am just so blessed to have people, to have friends, that though we argue and our moods swing from high to low, we look for the face of Jesus in the midst of it. 
    For the past couple of days I have felt just in a weird mood. I felt easily annoyed and just kind of difficult. I did not really want to do anything except what I wanted to do. Selfish, really. This mood I was in made my sarcastic, jokingly biting comments all the more frequent and all the more biting. Legit, I am really mean sometimes. In the moment, I laugh and I am joking. But why in the heck do I enjoy embarrassing my friends, or calling out their weaknesses? I am willing to hurt the people I care about most. Last night Daryl was beginning to feel like a lot of people in her life only saw her faults; that they were the dominating things about her. And by my words to her, I can see why that is how she feels. The truth is I do not see bad when I look at her. I would never describe bad about her.  This made me cry, and this same type of thing has made me cry in the past. I do not cry out of pity for myself, I cry because I want to be good for the people I love. I so desire to make them feel loved and accepted. 
      In addition, when I do mess up, when I do really upset someone I care about, I feel this deep sorrow almost. I feel this fear that I have just skewed what was thought of me, and that all the love I gave is now meaningless. It's like I do not think I am worthy of forgiveness. They tell me it is okay, but I do not feel okay. And it was the same way with Daryl too. I think so many of us do that. Honestly, for me it easy to forgive people most of the time. I see past their momentary lapses. But if is me that has lapsed, it feels like the world is on my shoulders.
     Jesus did not die so that I would feel guilt. He literally washed away my sins. He washes it away every time I carelessly make a comment I do not mean and come to the throne humble. He washes it when I do it again. And again. And I am blessed to know that I have people who see beyond my flesh and see the true motives of my heart. I think part of my freedom from this struggle will be truly accepting love and forgiveness. I simply pray God teaches me to be forgiven. Jesus, please help me think before I talk. May my heart and desire for the people I love be displayed in my words. My lips shall glorify the King.


I am a liar who thirsts for the truth.

Comments

  1. Wow Patty, you are amazing. I've really connected with this post and I can feel your sincerity while I read. I love you :)

    -Alonté

    ReplyDelete
  2. ALONTE.
    I miss you. And you should call me sometime this week so we can talk and catch up! That would be nice!

    ReplyDelete
  3. this was beautiful. patricia, you have such a servant's heart. i love you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love you too, and I am working on it babe

    ReplyDelete

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